Day 159 – What To Expect From a Toddler

7 Jul

Goodbye book and fantasy about having time to read it.

Ha! As if a toddler were predictable! Ha again!

If there is anyone out there who reads my blog and doesn’t already have a toddler or two…or three hanging off you right now, I’m going to tell you everything you can expect and you can save yourself $14.99.  This is from experience people. It’s not pretty!

Expect to hear yourself saying things like this: “Noooooo! You can’t invite the neighbor kids in for a bath!”

Or this: “No, I did NOT have a pet dinosaur.”

Or shrieking this (weekly if your lucky, daily if your me): “Why are you naked?! Don’t eat that off the floor! That’s not where a finger goes!!!!”

Expect to be able to finish the following lyrics: “Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga, … “(I know 3/4 of you just finished that song.)

Expect to wear someone’s lunch on your shirt, pants, bra (how did that get there?) and socks. Expect this every day. There is no exception to this rule.

Expect to watch the hair on your head turn grey and the hairs on your chin turn black. Don’t worry though your toddler will probably squirt, puke, project something in your eye and you won’t be able to see it anymore anyway.

Expect to change your fantasies of a day at the spa, followed by dinner at a posh restaurant  to fantasies of a day  an hour to sit at home in the quiet and dark and hopefully not make eye-contact with a toy  (nothing more).

Expect that when you get all packed up and ready to get on the road, and you’re finally on time somewhere, someone will poop in their car seat. It will probably be 95  degrees outside. This is how it happens.

Expect that if you are 20 minutes late getting somewhere and you are all packed in the car,  someone will poop in their car seat.

Expect shouting.

Expect hissy-fits.

Expect that sometimes they will come from you and sometimes in public. “I. JUST.BOUGHT.YOU.THAT. JACKET! WHO GAVE YOU A SHARPEE MARKER?!?!?!?! ” I overheard this one at Wal-Mart. It wasn’t me. Poor lady.

Expect that you will be out-lasted. A child can come into your room 450 times a night to ask if they can sleep in there. They do not tire of this game. You do.

Expect that you will give in at least once.

Expect that you will get no sleep that night. A two foot tall toddler can take up more space in a king sized bed than two (eh…King sized? Pleasantly Plump? Goddess Physique?) adults. Every part of that child will be sharp and pointy. You will wake up with an elbow or a toe in your nose.

Expect to go to bed every night totally exhausted, but in grateful wonder at being blessed with the gift of motherhood/fatherhood and the little angels in your charge.

So… I know what to expect from my toddlers.  I can let this go.

Anything else you’d like to add? I know a lot of you have some toddler experience under your belts too. Let’s enlighten our friends and save them a buck.

Oh and one last thing…

I went to the thrift store, you know, to drop off this.  Lookey, Lookey what I found!


Sometimes while I am out donating I like poke around and see what’s there. Sometime I  get a stealthy photo and share it here.

Clear Sneakers-Brilliant!

Now you can show off your size 13 man-pedicure whilst shooting hoops or picking up the kids from school-Form AND Function!! Why would someone donate these?

I am sharing this post with orgjunkie. and apronthriftgirl.  Oh they must be sick of me by now. 😉

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20 Responses to “Day 159 – What To Expect From a Toddler”

  1. Maine Mom July 7, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

    LOVE this post! You can expect to feed your toddler every 5 minutes!

    • Megan July 7, 2011 at 11:33 pm #

      Yes. That is true. GIve us some more, you have 6, no?

  2. Anne @ Domesblissity July 7, 2011 at 11:48 pm #

    Megan. I can’t stop laughing at those sneakers. OMG! I’d love to show off my scaly, corn and bunion enhanced talons in something like that. Were they a size 10? Go and buy them for me please???? LOL LOL (Can’t stop laughing!)

    Oh the toddler years. Wished I would’ve read what you wrote about 5 years ago Megan. There’s also the terrible toilet training 2’s. Ben would always poo and wee in the back yard like the dogs. (Bit like “Nell”. Our dogs toilet trained and raised him, not me!) And oh, my favourite, the moment when they decide they don’t want to eat something that they’ve eaten every day for the last 18 months. I hate it when they get a mind of their own. Give me a helpless newborn baby anytime. (No, wait a minute, don’t! They grow into toddlers!) xx

    • Megan July 8, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

      How do those things make it into production? That is what I want to know. They clearly have never been worn.

  3. Heather July 8, 2011 at 2:01 am #

    Expect poop in your hair at least once during some kid’s potty training. Make sure you have a friend or relative that loves you enough to coo in sympathy when you call and ask them to come hold the crying newborn so you can jump in the shower to wash said poop out of your hair.

    • Megan July 8, 2011 at 8:07 am #

      Yikes! and Yup! In my case, expect it in your hand. Yech!

  4. Darcie July 8, 2011 at 8:36 am #

    your toddler will want to do EVERYTHING for them selves, let them even if its backwards inside out upside down all over the floor it is easier than telling them they cant!

    if you leave the room they will follow, if you close a door they will open it, if you’ve reached the end of your rope and scream in frustration they will cry.

    if you make dinner they wont eat, if you order dinner at a restaurant they will throw a fit, if you order a meal in your car they eat(I dont get it either)

    if theres more than one they will fight over everything and nothing

    • Megan July 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm #

      Mine too, except they throw 80% of it on the floor.. They just throw it on the floor.

  5. Iris July 8, 2011 at 10:02 am #

    BRILLIANT! Good thing I didn’t read this 11 years ago or I never would have spawned. Of course I totally related to 99% of this. But I don’t know the end of the Toot Toot song…must have been plucking my chin hair during that show.

    • Megan July 8, 2011 at 3:55 pm #

      Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga …BIg Red Car. You travel near and you travel fa-a-ar!

      It’s the Wiggles. Maybe they slipped in and out of popularity between your last 2.

  6. Sue from Livin In Duckville July 8, 2011 at 10:36 am #

    OMG… Ain’t it the truth!!! The ‘Expect Hissy-Fits’ made me think of this commercial…

    Your post made me laugh & cry at the same time… so funny.

    • Megan July 8, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

      That is one fun-nay commercial. I love the look she gives him after she stands up. That is my favorite part. THanks for sharing.

  7. Jessiejack July 8, 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    This post is hilarious! and the video was brilliant-how I wish I could have a tantrum sometimes

    • Megan July 8, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

      Let it out. Tantrum it up.

  8. Mimms July 8, 2011 at 5:52 pm #

    I <3 this post, but the SHOES oh the shoes, a little coup de gras at the end, not expected but ooemgee I just tried to picture Sugar Daddy wearing those..ya .. haha!!!

  9. Kimberly July 9, 2011 at 9:41 am #

    Hi Megan!
    You have been making some great progress!

    I just nominated you and your blog for the Versatile Blogger award!
    I love your site– Congrats!

    • Megan July 9, 2011 at 11:38 am #

      Oh, Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

  10. Cate July 9, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

    Hehe! Totally agree with the commenter who says kids will always eat in the car. That makes no sense to me. Restaurants? Too distracted. At home? Too busy. But the car? My daughter will eat anything in there. And then I spent the whole time worrying that she’s going to choke because she’s inhaling her food so quickly.

    Another fun what to expect from a toddler, as parodied by my husband this evening after our 2-year-old ran out of the room and returned with our toothbrushes: “It’s 6:00. Do you know where your toothbrushes are? Are they…in the toilet?”

    • Megan July 10, 2011 at 12:48 pm #

      Oh…we have to buy the dollar-tree ones by the 6-pack. If anyone forgets and leaves their toothbrush out- it’s toast.

  11. Elizabeth@ReadySetSimplify July 12, 2011 at 3:14 pm #

    I LOVE the shoes!

    Expect your toddler to want to want to be free and run away from you (It’s a fun game, don’t ya know?) whenever you are at a store, mall, outside, or any public/dangerous place.

    At home, when you are trying to get things done, expect them to cling to your legs and want you to pick them up and hold them.

    Of course, expect to love them to pieces, those little cutie-pies!